Knowing your limit

We all want to say yes, do it all, have it all. We all have some sort of limitation whether it be Fibromyalgia or something else. Those of us that “suffer in silence” from something we can’t see have it just a little bit tougher. People don’t see an amputated limb or a limp, they see what appears to them a healthy individual.

As a result it’s left to me to explain my limitations. Some people probably think me unreliable because sometimes I just wake up to sore to do the thing I wanted to do that day. I feel bad because I was always raised to keep commitments but sometimes I just can’t. It’s not that I am not strong enough or because I’m suffering from a flu, it’s because I know that if I push the envelope too far I will pay for it later.

Yesterday was one of those days. My arms and lower back have been very sore. I planned a fun dive with a friend and I was really looking forward to it. But when I woke up yesterday morning I could just tell I wasn’t going to be able to do it all. I spent Saturday and was to spend part of Sunday in class for my EFR-I credential and I just knew that diving and pushing it was a bad idea. Luckily she was understanding and said she was thinking of canceling as well. So I was saved from feeling guilty.

The limitation frustrates me to no end. I want to be able to do it all, and lately I have been. Because I have been doing so much my body has been telling me to slow down. So, rather than go diving, I came home and took a nap. It felt good to rest and I felt an instant relief when I layed in my bed. It’s an “ahhh” feeling.

The holidays were so crazy and they flew right by. I worked 3-4 days a week in addition to my duties as a wife and mother. Now that’s done and had a relatively slow week last week. When I slowed down and took a day to catch up around the house is when I felt it. Starting tonight I have the instructor development course which will run 4 nights a week plus weekends for the next 3 weeks. After that I have the Instructor Exam which is an entire weekend. So I have to save my energy for that. I have to discipline myself, go to bed early and rely on some help from my friends and my husband. Hopefully he knows that he will be doing most of the cooking/cleaning and kid chasing for the next 3 weeks. John is incredibly supportive and has been alongside me through the diagnosis and treatment. He knows, sometimes before I do, when I am getting run down. He’s usually good at helping out.

I’m excited for the things to come in the coming weeks and I think I’m prepared. All I need now is for my body to hold up to the demands of the course.

I have experienced the tender points in my elbows for the first time this week. They are sore to move around and so is everything else it seems. But this is the first time experiencing this particular pain. My feet have been pretty sore too, at times it makes me limp. I’m hoping for the some relief with the new shoes I ordered.

I try very hard to manage the pain and I usually do pretty well with Yoga poses, the TENS unit, and when absolutely necessary pain medication. I don’t take motrin because too much of that will give me and ulcer. Tylenol isn’t a good option either because long-term use of that will trash my liver. So I try my best to manage without medication. I do have days though where I’ve tried everything else and I have to submit. I count myself lucky that I don’t need heavy narcotics like Vicodin or Percocet. The best pain relief for someone with Fibro is to remain well rested so I have to work on getting to bed earlier and grabbing a nap where I can.

So here’s hoping the next 3 weeks go smoothly.

Dealing with the soreness

Today is an unusual day.  I’m actually home for the day.  Over the last couple of months I have been working in the shop more and continuing my job up at Turtle Bay resort at least once a week.  I haven’t sat down at my computer to write in my blog for weeks.  I’ve been prepping for the IDC which starts this weekend with the EFR-I course.

Also over the last 3 or 4 weeks my lower back has really been bothering me.  I have been trying to keep it under control and under my hat.  I don’t want to complain or let anyone know that I’m having this issue because I don’t want pity and I don’t want them to go easy on me.

We went out about 2 weeks ago and bought at new bed frame because ours didn’t have a center support and I felt like we needed that.  We have noticed an improvement in sleep quality and comfort but still, my back hurts.  More accurately, my ass hurts.

My spine is probably out of alignment but I haven’t made an appointment with my doctor, who can get it back in alignment, for several reasons.  So today that’s on my to do list.  Hopefully that will help my back.

One of the big downers of Fibromyalgia is the aching.  When I get run down I ache all over.  I have to take it easy and I make a conscious effort to do so.  It’s frustrating as hell that I have the physical strength to do things but it just hurts.  It’s never not hurt, not that I can remember.  So I guess I don’t know what “normal” is.  I can’t help but feel down when I hurt.  I just want t crawl into bed and sleep but I can’t do that.

During nursing school I learned that if a patient says they have pain then you have to believe them.  Not only that but they have the right to have that pain relieved.  So why don’t I deserve the same?  I’m exhausted and sore and all I want to do is crawl into bed.  I was telling my friend how frustrating it is that I can’t get relief.  I have the pain medication they gave me and I take it but sometimes it’s just not enough.  I would go to the clinic but there really isn’t anything they can do.  It’s so frustrating.

Stress fracture(s)

Way back in April I twisted my ankle on a shore dive.  After I did it I didn’t really think much of it.  My foot was sore and I sort of put off getting it looked at because I just figured I had pulled a muscle.  Finally, right before I started my divemaster course, I went and had it x-rayed and they didn’t find anything.  So, I kept doing everything because I thought it was a muscle issue.  When I still didn’t feel better by mid june I went back to the doctor and they suggested a bone scan.  Around the 4th of July I got the results of my bone scan and was told I did have stress fracture in my foot.

Over the last 2 weeks the pain has been escalating and there have been days that I can’t walk without limping.  I went back to the doctor last week and he referred me to podiatry.  After he examined me he brought me into his office and looked at the report from the bone scan. Come to find out I have not only a stress fracture in my foot but others in the ankle and its both feet.  That piece of information would have been nice to know.  In the meantime he asked me if I needed something for the pain.  Of course I said no.  The problem with me and pain medication is that I’m allergic to Coedine so I can’t take a lot of the less potent narcotic medications.  The pain has gotten to the point now where I needed something to ease that.  So I called the doctor today and he saw the same thing.  He did prescribe something but so far it’s really not working. 

I see podiatry on Thursday and I’m expecting to be told I have to rest and pretty much do nothing for a while.  I am hoping they will do some more x-rays to make sure I didn’t break it completely.  That would suck.  Chalk it up to a good old irish stubborn streak.

Pain management- all the tools in the toolshed

It’s been a rough week in my world.  I’ve been working and its physical labor.  I love what I do and its all worth it when I hit the water.  I am thankful to have had several good months of low pain levels.  The Lyrica has been doing it’s job and I had almost forgotten what it’s like to use several methods in collaboration to control the pain and stiffness. 

I think it’s important to remember that prescription medication is not going to work all by itself.  It’s also important to note that non-pharmacological treatments are beneficial to overall health.  People who suffer from chronic pain end up running out of medical interventions and because of that we often swear by other methods.   So, for those of you with chronic pain, here are the tools that I use.

1. Lyrica
2. Tramadol
3. Hyland’s Muscle Therapy
4. TENS
5. Heat and Ice alternated at 15 minute intervals
6. Yoga/Deep Breathing 
7. OMT- manipulation therapy provided by my doctor.
8. Distractions

Each one of these methods helps in a different way.  They Lyrica keeps the pain down on a good day so that I am not incapacitated as I used to be without it.  Often, when I start feeling achy it’s when I am out of the house so the tramadol can help hold off the worst of the pain until I can get home.  The TENS is used to block the pain signals to the brain.  It does this by delivering small electrical pulsed directly to the effected muscles.  The effect lasts only as long as the machine is in use though.  Heat and Ice help also to relieve the muscle tension.  While there isn’t a dramatic result to be felt, I do believe it helps over the long run in shortening a flare.  Yoga is pivotal because the deep breathing along with the stretching can work wonders.  When you stretch it forces those muscles that are balled up to stretch thereby reducing tension and pain.  OMT or Manipulation therapy is similar to chiropractic care.  But, my insurance doesn’t cover chiropractic.  But, my doctor happens to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine who can perform this.  Distraction is perhaps the single biggest tool.  As long as I am moving around, for the most part I can push the pain aside.  But, as soon as I sit down I feel it. 

I do my best to work around the pain but it’s not always possible.  Sometimes that pain wins.  Lately, I have been lax with my Yoga practice and it’s catching up with me.  I called the doctor this morning and made and appointment for OMT on the 21st.  I also left a message for my doctor and he called me back.  For the time being he gave me flexeril.  I don’t want a stronger pain medication because of the potential for dependence.  Unfortunately for me I’m allergic to Coedine and because of that my options go from tramadol to oxycodone.  The middle of the road narcotics are all off-limits due to my allergy.  There are, of course, a few other medications that can be used but I don’t really want them. 

Months ago I explored trigger point injections and was told by the doctor to “suck it up”.  I received quite a lecture and I wasn’t happy about it.  When I go see my doctor on the 21st I plan to ask him if there is another pain management doctor I can see or if he can specifically note that he wants trigger point injections. 

For now though, I have to lay low.  That’s the hardest part for me.  Not being able to do the things I want to do with my kids or not feeling well enough to cook dinner.  One thing I see now is that I have had this fibromyalgia as long as I can remember.  So I’ve gotten good at coping and compensating.  The trick is to communicate to the doctors that the pain is killing my quality of life.  I hope to do that on the 21st and also to get some relief.  But, until then the tools in my tool box with just have to do.  I just hope that I don’t get told “there is nothing else we can do” because that puts me sitting life out on the bench for longer than I would like.  But, whatever the outcome I have to take it one day at a time, hope for the best and plan for the worst.  

 

How do you explain it?

This blog has been on the back burner for a couple of months now.  I’ve been having one of those honeymoon periods where I feel really good.  Apart from some minor pain and some tight muscles in my hip I’ve been feeling good.  I have been able to go about my daily life and almost for get that I have fibromyalgia.  I’m thankful for that time. 

Unfortunately, the pain comes in cycles and it’s not predictable.  Most would say that I “overdid it” but really I have been doing the same things and more for weeks and I’ve been fine.  So the timing is anyone’s guess. 

I tell people about my “disease” freely and it’s not to get sympathy.  It may come up in diving when a diver has a medical condition that they have to overcome.  Sometimes people ask me how I like my BCD because it’s lighter weight and a back inflate which differs from the mainstream.  They are used to seeing a certain style and they ask what I like about it and I often tell them why I chose it. 

You may have noticed that I put the word disease in quotations.  I did this because I often don’t know what to call it.  To me, the word disease implies that I have the flu and I will eventually be cured or it will eventually disable or even kill me.  But that’s not the right word because fibromyalgia isn’t curable but neither is it necessarily progressive and it doesn’t really effect the actually strength I have.  I have struggled hard to accept this but it’s not going away and I have the strength it’s just going to hurt like hell sometimes. 

I sometimes use the word disorder which is probably the closest word to correct.  Even that isn’t perfect though.  Disorder often implies a more chronic condition but it still implies that it can be fixed.  The term “chronic condition” applies I suppose but I don’t like that one either.  Honestly, I think there just isn’t a good word to use that doesn’t trigger a pity response.  So, most often I tell people “I can let it beat me or I can take control and live my life”.  That’s what I really strive for, to live my life on my terms as much as humanly possible. 

As much as I try there are days when the fibro wins.  A few months ago I noticed a strange pain in my feet after I dive.  I didn’t think much of it at first.  The pain wasn’t bad enough to stop me and, unlike my fibro pain, wasn’t constant.  After about 3-4 weeks, about the time I started Divemaster, I went in and had an x-ray just to confirm that nothing was broken.  After about 4 more weeks the pain was still there so I went back to the doctor.  Even a chronic pain patient knows that if it was nothing it wouldn’t be going on this long.  She listened carefully to me and I asked if it could be a stress fracture.  She seemed to agree that was likely since stress fractures are often missed on x-ray and don’t show up until 6-8 weeks later if at all.  She she ordered a bone scan.

I had a bone scan last week because I have been having pain in my right foot for about 2-3 months. It seems to get better for a while and I keep thinking it’s getting better. The I go and do something and aggravate it and it hurts again. In fact, each time I aggravate it it’s a little more painful than that last time.

I finally got tired of waiting for it to heal and went in to the doctor’s office. Two months ago I had an x-ray that didn’t show anything.  Come to find out, that’s rather typical of a stress fracture. Stress fractures are like a crack in the bone.  They often don’t break the bone completely in two and there are different schools of thought on how to treat it depending on the severity of the injury. 

Sometimes they put the effected limb in a soft cast or boot and sometimes they even use a plaster cast.  I feel lucky that the injury, while painful, doesn’t require either of the above. 

The bone scan consisted of getting an injection of contrast and then coming in 4 hours later and having the scan done.  The scan looks at the bones and detect the small cracks that are seen with stress fractures that x-ray can’ detect.  The whole scan took about 20 minutes.

After a week of waiting I talked to the doctor’s office and go the results.  I’ve already said that I have a stress fracture and it really wasn’t a surprise to me.  I was surprised that I was told to rest, no running or jogging but swimming is ok.  So, I can keep diving unless diving aggravates the pain. 

Unfortunately, I think that I got the injury from diving and carrying all that heavy gear and rolling an ankle a few months ago.  Since diving is my passion these days, this stinks!   I really didn’t get any idea how long it will take to heal from the nurse.  Now it’s a matter of what I am willing to sacrifice.  Not running and resting a doable for the most part.  Not diving is not really doable.  I’m hoping that I can still dive whenever I can carve out the time.  I purchased and ace wrap to wear daily to minimize the movement of the foot on a day-to-day basis.  Sometimes I’m not sure why I even bothered to get it checked out since the diagnosis basically does nothing for me.  

More recently, I’m having a flare that I, as usual, have been pushing through for a couple of weeks now.  I started to feel the pain in my neck and shoulders where it always settles about 2 maybe 3 weeks ago.  It starts out as just a little pain at the end of the day.  Slowly it creeps in at different times of day and becomes more frequent.  I’ve been seeing, or rather feeling, the signs, but I’ve been ignoring them.  I wanted to pretend it wasn’t a flare but just a little bump in the road.  That worked for a while but gradually it’s gotten to a point where its pretty much a constant pain and stiffness. 

I can go about the day-to-day, put it aside for a time, but it now refuses to be ignored.  I went to work today and I was talking about a night dive with some of the people with the shop.  I left the shop and told them I would play it by ear and see what was going on at home.  By the time I made it home I knew I was sore.  It wasn’t until I sat down though that I really felt it.  I am definitely in some sort of flare.  I hope and I pray that I don’t get to where I was last fall. 

You know, pain is the body’s way of telling you to knock it off.  The problem is that I live in some degree of pain every day so my body is basically telling me this every day.  Has been for as long as I can remember. 

The difference between today and last fall is that I know what’s causing my pain and I know how to ease it.  So, tonight I stayed home because, to be perfectly frank, I hurt like hell.  My plan now…lay low as much as I can this weekend.  Heat, TENS, pain meds.  I also need to set and appointment with my provider for OMT and that may help.  I had hoped to put that off until the kids were back in school but I guess that won’t work. 

It’s times like now that I wonder what my chances are at ever having a decent career since I will always have these flares at random times and most employers wouldn’t really say I’m sick.  I don’t know what happens as I age.  Do the flares get worse?  Do they come more frequently?  Generally speaking, most things to get worse and more frequent as we age and our body declines after the age of 40.  Geez I’m almost there. 

Right now though, I just want my nice soft bed.

Now I have a question for you…

I haven’t written in this blog in quite a while.  My pain has been well controlled with the new medication regimine and I have been feeling pretty great.  If you read my other blogs you have seen that I have been diving and hiking and enjoying life.  I’m thankful for that. 

The last few days, though, I haven’t been myself.  I don’t know whether you call it an episode of fibro-fog or a small flare.  I spent a lot of time sleeping and the rest of the time I wasn’t really myself.  I just felt overwhelmed by every little thing and had lots of negative thoughts.  Nothing too severe like during a bad depression, more like every task was daunting.  The physical pain reared it’s ugly head again too.  For the last few months I’ve kept it at bay.  At least at a tollerable level.  The last few days everything ached and I just wanted to sit around and do nothing.  Of course, if I sit around then I feel guilty about not doing anything.  It’s a cycle I prefer to avoid. 

I’ve experienced this before but I always seem to have been “sick” with a cold or flu.  As long as anyone can remember it’s been my body’s reaction to illness, sleep.  This time, though, I wasn’t really physically ill.  I was just incredibly tired.  I’m sure it’s from weeks of burning the candle at both ends.  When I didn’t have to get up and be somewhere I just collapsed.  Such is life with fibromyalgia I suppose. 

I know I’m supposed to pace myself and not take on too much but with 2 kids, a husband and a life of my own that’s easier said than done.  There are things that need to be done and I can’t always say no.  I’m not in denial.  I know I have limits.  We all do.  Mine may be lower than the next person but it’s not all that different. 

Whatever it was, I’m glad to be coming out of the fog today.

Random Pains

Anyone with fibromyalgia will likely tell you one of the more frustrating parts of the disease is not knowing where it will pop up next.  Most people have “trigger” sites that are present all the time and we have likely adapted to this.  The hard ones are the ones that pop up out of nowhere. 

Some people say that people with fibromyalgia take longer to recover from a muscle strain.  Eventually, we do recover.  The tricky part is knowing if you are injured yourself or just caused a pain flare.  Doctors tell us to be active in order to combat fibromyalgia.  The endorphins released during exercise do us good.   Sometimes, though, exercise causes more injury. 

The last couple weeks I have been very active.  I’ve been diving 3 or 4 times a week.  I noticed over a month ago that I have a sore wrist that gets irritated when I bend it forward and back.  I noticed this shortly after I had gotten caught in some surf where I was knocked down and had to try to use that arm to help me get up.  So, I chalked it up to a strain and kept moving.  Around that same time I also noticed some pain in the arch of my foot like it was bruised.  Once again I didn’t worry too much about it since I still seemed to have strength. 

Last weekend, though, I was out diving when I almost turned one of my ankles on the same side and fell to the ground.  Since then my foot, ankle, knee and wrist are all sore.  I have an appointment next week and my doctor might order some tests then. 

My dilemma is when do I tell my doctor these things.  If I had gone in when this started he would have said it was a strain and would go away.  Now he’s going to ask my why I waited so long.  I don’t want to waste his time or mine and I know that they probably won’t find anything wrong with me that can be detected on an x-ray or even an MRI.  6 months ago now the Rhuematologist said that people can have “fleas and lice” meaning you can have fibromyalgia and also have a legitimate injury.  But I’m constantly walking a tight rope between being a whiner and waiting longer than I should. 

I’ve decided there is no easy answer.  When I get sick of it not getting any better, then I will make and appointment I guess.  Right now all I know is that it aches and burns and it’s causing me pain.  I don’t know if they will find any inflammation or abnormality but I suppose I need to report then ongoing issue so that we can rule out injury. 

Don’t you just love when it’s “just the fibro”; meaning there isn’t anything that can be fixed it’s just going to hurt and you have to live with it.  Sometimes I really hate this disease!

Muscle Strains and Fibro

A person with fibromyalgia takes longer to heal from a muscle strain injury.  This explains a few things for me.  If you’ve been reading my other blog then you know I’ve been out doing a ton of physical activity lately. 

A few weeks ago I noticed that my wrist hurts when I bend it a certain direction.  No big deal I figured I pulled something when I was out hiking or diving.  I have given it about 3-4 weeks to heal now and it’s still there.  So the question becomes when to call the doctor. 

The answer to that depends on your pain level and loss of function.  For example if the injury causes pain every time you move then you would need to call the doctor right away because it’s effecting your day-to-day living.  Unfortunately, it isn’t that cut and dried for me.  I have had the injury for about 3-4 weeks and it only bothers me when I put weight on that arm.  For example when I sit on the ground and recline back on my arms or when I am climbing something.  To complicate matters further I don’t have any loss of strength and the discomfort seems to be a minor annoyance. 

However, I’m also educated enough to know that a person can have more than one problem.  So I could have a real injury and maybe it’s not just part of the fibromyalgia.  So, today after much debate I’ve decided to make an appointment to see my doctor.  He’s a osteopath and very good at getting an idea of what is going on through physical exam techniques and then confirming his suspicions with diagnostics.  Unfortunately his next available appointment is 2 weeks away.  So I have to call again in the AM for a same day appointment. 

There aren’t any real hard and fast rules when dealing with muscle strain and fibro.  We just tend to take longer to bounce back from things.  The only sensible thing to do it follow you’re gut.  If the injury is severely painful see your doctor right away.  If you have loss of function see your doctor right away.  If the pain causes numbness, burning or tingling see your doctor right away.  If it feels like the muscle has been bruised and it hurts just a little when you move then you may be better off waiting a little bit, as I did.  But, as always, this blog is just a chronicle of my experiences and what I have learned.  It’s not a substitute for medical advice.  So if you have a muscle strain please seek medical attention before it turns into something larger.  You never know you could have a broken bone or something more severe.

Take that Fibro!

Yesterday I spent the day training to be a rescue diver.  I hesitated to take this class because of fibro.  I didn’t know if I could do that physical tasks that are required of me.  I had to perform several tasks that were very physical.  When I asked someone about it I was told not to let that keep me from completing the class.  So I went for it. 

Today, though, I’m paying for it.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  But there is a sense of accomplishment too.  A sense that I didn’t let the disease win, even if only for a day.  I feel like I did something that some people in my situation wouldn’t or couldn’t have done.  Despite the fact that I knew it would hurt I did it. 

I hope that this will serve as a possible inspiration to others as they go along their journey.  You truly can do anything you put your mine to.  Unfortunately, sometimes that means pain for people with fibro. 

Today when I walk up and down the stairs my legs ache.  My back was aching last night and my shoulders are sore.  But I would do it again.  I learned a lot and I was able to gain some skills that will allow me to be confident in my abilities.  It’s not about being a hero it’s about knowing how to get you, and someone else out of a tricky situation.

Another lesson came after the class.  When we returned to the shop we all washed our gear.  I packed my things into my gear bag and set my weights on a rock to drip dry.  Then I went back into the shop and was talking to the instructor about the search and rescue he does with dogs.  I left the shop with what I thought was all my gear.  When I got home I hung things up to dry and I promptly realized that I didn’t have my octo.  This is a big problem because that one piece contains both of my regulators and my computer.  It alone is about $1000.  I knew that someone would probably find it and I asked a friend to look for it when he went in last night. 

This morning I got up and went down to the shop expecting to find my octo on the work bench where my friend said he would leave it.  The shop manager didn’t know anything about it.  Gulp.  So I called my friend and left a message.  He called me right away to let me know that he hadn’t found it.  Oh crap!  So I was freaking out.  I brought the kids back home and brought them to a friend’s house while I went back down to the shop to take a better look for it. 

Thankfully I did find it in back hanging up.  My instructor must have found it and put it away.  We didn’t find the weights but that was a small problem compared to that octo.  I figured that they may have gotten mixed with the shop weights and would make their way back this afternoon.  But I wasn’t even out of the driveway though when the owner called and said she had them. 

She told me to let this serve as a lesson to protect my gear.  I didn’t say a thing about my disease.  She would just think I was making excuses.  Maybe I was.  I find that its far easier not to even bring it up.  She’s aware of it because I’ve told her and it’s documented on my paperwork from the doctor.  Most people just don’t really understand.  It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s just that most people don’t have the training and knowledge to really understand. 

Tomorrow I get my butt kicked again.  I’m told it will be harder than yesterday.

Duh!

I don’t really know where to put this post.  On one hand this is less about fibromyalgia and more about my day-to-day trials.  On another it has everything to do with fibromyalgia and figuring out how to pick up and carry on.  So here I am writing about this here.  I guess if you want the whole story you’re going to have to read the rest on my other blog.

Yesterday someone said something to me that made a lot of sense.  It wasn’t even the words that hit home, it was the idea.  I was talking to my friend about why I was looking for secretarial or some sort of other work and she didn’t really seem to understand.  It made me thing to myself “what am I thinking?”.  

When we moved here my husband was spoiled.  He was really used to having me do everything for him.  He was used to me paying the bills, taking care of everything the kids need, taking the kids to school, etc etc.  Since I finished my degree I want to get my career started.  At first I was working at this nursing home and I was still responsible to get the boys up and off to the babysitter.  John refused to take any of that responsibility at all.

Thanks to my brother, I’ve come to see that I need to start applying for positions as a CNA in order to make my way into a nursing position with one of the hospitals here.  Even though that was my focus I still had the problem of getting the kids up and off to a babysitter.  So, when I found out that a CNA position would be 6a-6p or 6p-6a I was worried.  I knew that the more likely scenario is that I will be working nights at least for a while.  I can’t be picky and for a little while I will be at the mercy of the employer because, after all, they are giving me an oportunity. 

My friend said yesterday that she’s a single mom and if she can work out daycare for her son with her being in the army I can work it out too.  She’s right.  So, I got off my butt and I decided to give hospital work another look.  I told John that he will have to get the kids off to the sitter if I’m at work.  He’s their father and that’s what needs to be done end of story. 

There is one more big factor.  All along our long-range plans included me finding a job right away when he retires.  This would allow for him to take his time looking for a job and would allow us some financial stability.  As a nurse I should be able to command enough money but that only works if I have some experience. 

What all that means is that whatever it takes I need to get my nursing career going.  

I’m really not sure what came over me the last couple of weeks.  I feel like my train went off the track.  I worked way too hard to walk away now.  I’m enjoying my time diving but it’s not a long-range plan.  We can’t fall back on my diving when John retires.  Only my nursing degree can do that for us.  It’s not just about me, it’s about the whole family and our “retirement” plan. 

On a positive note, my pain has been pretty darned good lately.  I’ve been able to do pretty much anything I want.  I still have pain, sure, but I’m never getting rid of that.  I’m trying to make the best of a literal pain in the butt.  I guess I’ve found a combination of medications that is working.   

I guess it’s time to put on my big girl pants and suck it up.